BACKHANDED APOLOGIES
Backhanded Apologies: Why They Make Everything Worse
Most people believe they know how to apologize. But many apologies fail, not because the moment was too big, but because responsibility was quietly avoided.
A real apology sounds like this:
“I’m sorry I hurt you.”
A backhanded apology sounds like this:
“I’m sorry you got upset.”
The difference matters.
Backhanded apologies do not acknowledge wrongdoing. They apologize for the other person’s emotional response instead of the action that caused it. When that happens, the person who is already hurt feels blamed for their reaction.
This shows up constantly in leadership, relationships, and conflict at work.
Leaders think they are smoothing things over, but instead they escalate the situation. Trust erodes. The conversation tightens. Defensiveness grows.
There is a simple checkpoint that helps in the moment.
Listen to the sentence you are about to say.
What word follows “sorry”?
If the answer is “you,” stop.
If the answer is “I,” you are on the right track.
“I’m sorry I missed that deadline.”
“I’m sorry I spoke over you.”
“I’m sorry I caused confusion.”
Those statements take ownership. Ownership repairs trust.
Backhanded apologies feel subtle, but their impact is loud. They signal avoidance, not accountability.
The next time you catch yourself starting with “I’m sorry you…,” pause. Reset the sentence. Take responsibility for your part.
That shift alone changes how people experience you as a leader.
Watch the video for a deeper explanation of this pattern. Share your thoughts in the comments. And if you are looking for a speaker who helps leaders build emotionally intelligent communication and accountability, I would love to talk.