BOUNDARIES
Boundaries, Edicts, Standards, and Dislikes
Start the Shift by Knowing the Difference
Most people walk through the world believing they have solid boundaries. They say things like, “You are not allowed to talk to me that way,” or “You cannot bring that energy into this meeting.” It feels firm. It feels clear. It feels like leadership.
The problem is that these statements are not boundaries at all. They are edicts. And unless you are royalty, a president, or someone’s boss in a very literal sense, edicts rarely work.
Understanding the difference between boundaries, edicts, standards, and dislikes will transform the way you communicate. It will reduce conflict. It will strengthen relationships. It will make you a more grounded, more intentional leader.
This is where the shift begins.
The Day My Son Set a Real Boundary
My son once called me and announced, “You are not allowed to talk to me about summer jobs.”
He felt clear. He felt powerful. He wanted to draw a line in the sand.
I said, “No.”
He was confused. “What do you mean, no? I am setting a boundary.”
I explained, “You are setting an edict. An edict is something you declare for others. A boundary is something you set for yourself.”
After a long pause, he said, “Fine. If you talk to me about summer jobs, I am not going to talk to you.”
He hung up, and for eight weeks he held that line so firmly that I could not help but be proud of him. He had set a real boundary, and I had experienced the consequence.
He learned the difference immediately. Most adults never do.
Boundaries vs. Edicts
A boundary is an action you take to protect your own well-being. It is a promise you make to yourself about what you will do when a line is crossed.
An edict is an instruction for someone else. It tells them how they must act.
Here is the difference in plain language:
Boundary: “If you yell at me, I will leave the conversation.”
Edict: “You are not allowed to yell at me.”
Boundaries create clarity and choice. Edicts create tension and resistance.
One protects you. The other tries to control someone else.
Standards and Dislikes
People often confuse even more concepts under the same umbrella.
A standard is the level of behavior you hope to receive from another person. You can request or expect a standard, but you cannot enforce it across all people in all situations.
A dislike is simply something you do not enjoy. It carries no requirement, no ultimatum, and no structural power.
Example someone once said to me:
“One of my boundaries is that men are not allowed to yell at me.”
That is not a boundary. You cannot regulate the behavior of all men. What you can say is:
“I dislike being yelled at, and my standard in conversation is calm communication. If someone yells at me, I will step away.”
That statement is clear. It expresses preference, expectation, and boundary all at once without overreaching into control.
Why This Matters for Leaders
If you work with humans, this matters. If you lead humans, this matters even more.
Leaders who confuse edicts with boundaries often create cultures where people walk on eggshells. Expectations feel unpredictable. Accountability feels personal instead of structural. Communication becomes unbalanced and unclear.
Leaders who understand true boundaries build cultures that feel safe, consistent, and honest. People know what to expect. They know what is theirs to carry and what is not. Relationships become healthier.
This is the foundation of emotional intelligence and healthy team culture.
How to Set Real Boundaries
A boundary has two parts:
What you will or will not accept.
What you will do when that line is crossed.
It always starts with you.
Here is the formula:
“When X happens, I will do Y.”
It is simple. It is powerful. And it places responsibility where it belongs, which is on your own choices.
Boundaries protect your peace. Edicts try to manage someone else’s behavior. Only one is sustainable.
Start the Shift
If you want healthier relationships, clearer communication, or a stronger company culture, start with defining the difference between boundaries, edicts, standards, and dislikes.
This is one of the simplest shifts you can make as a leader. It changes how you speak, how you listen, and how people experience you.
Start the shift today.
And if you want this taught inside your company or at your next event, let’s talk.