DEFENSIVE DEVALUATION
Why We Sometimes Fight Right Before Goodbye
One of the hardest emotional tasks for humans is saying goodbye to someone we love.
As a child, I moved constantly. New towns. New schools. New friends. Over and over again. I also moved between parents, which meant repeated separation from people I cared about. Somewhere along the way, my nervous system learned a workaround.
If you pick a fight, goodbye hurts less.
This coping strategy is called defensive devaluation. It works by turning someone from deeply valued into temporarily unbearable. Anger replaces grief. Conflict replaces sadness. And suddenly, separation feels survivable.
This pattern often appears at the end of vacations, visits, projects, or life chapters. Everything is going well, and then out of nowhere, a fight erupts. The issues feel legitimate, but the timing is the clue.
The fight is not proof of disconnection. It is often proof of attachment.
When we understand this, we gain choice.
If you notice yourself picking fights right before endings, it may be worth asking what you are actually grieving. And if someone you love suddenly turns combative before a goodbye, it may be an invitation to slow down instead of escalate.
Sometimes the most regulating response is naming the truth gently.
I love you.
We are going to see each other again.
We do not need to fight before we go.
Awareness does not eliminate pain, but it prevents unnecessary damage.
Watch the video to explore defensive devaluation more deeply.
If you are building leaders, teams, or cultures that value emotional intelligence and repair, I would love to continue the conversation.