TRAUMA BONDING
Trauma Bonding: Why Getting the Definition Right Matters
Trauma bonding is a term that gets used casually, and often incorrectly. The confusion is understandable, but the consequences of misunderstanding it can be serious.
Many people believe trauma bonding means connecting with someone who shares similar painful experiences. Two people who were abused. Two leaders who burned out. Two employees who survived a toxic workplace.
That is not trauma bonding.
That is trauma solidarity, or trauma informed connection. And it can be healthy.
Trauma bonding is something else entirely.
Trauma bonding occurs when a victim works to bond with their abuser in hopes of earning validation, safety, or proof that the abuse was not deserved. It is an attempt to rewrite the past by gaining approval in the present.
Imagine reconnecting with someone who caused deep harm and reorganizing your life around the hope that one day they might say, “I am proud of you.” That pursuit often comes at the expense of other relationships, boundaries, and personal well being.
The painful truth is that abusers rarely offer the redemption their victims seek. The dynamic usually stays intact, with the victim continuing to reach and the abuser remaining unchanged.
This pattern does not only exist in families. It can show up in workplaces, mentorships, and leadership environments where harm was normalized and validation withheld.
Recognizing trauma bonding is not about shame. It is about awareness.
If you find yourself chasing approval from someone who hurt you, pause and get curious.
If you see someone else doing it, lead with compassion. It is a deeply human response to pain.
Finally, language matters. When we name shared trauma accurately as trauma solidarity, we make room for connection without reinforcing harmful patterns.
Watch the video for a deeper explanation of this distinction. Share your thoughts in the comments. And if you are looking for a speaker who helps leaders understand emotional intelligence, trauma aware leadership, and healthier culture design, I would love to talk.